Great news, patriots! We finally know why Candace Owens turned down a job with MSM regular Fox News. She’s joining with a cast of incredible women, anchored by none other than the former View regular, Elizabeth Hasselbeck.
Joining them will be Tomi Lahren, the firecracker blonde bombshell who owns the libs every chance she gets. Tami is a favorite in real conservative media and has millions of followers on social media. Her record of relevance speaks for itself.
Next up: Kayleigh Frickin’ McEnerny. We haven’t seen her since the West Wing imploded and everyone walked out, and we miss her. Here she is, yet another pretty thing on a panel of beauty. Her experience deciphering Trump’s sometimes cryptic messages will be key to the show’s central role, which is “support Donald Trump.”
That’s why that awful horse lady didn’t make the cut. Always calling him a liar. Anyway, rounding out this perfect cast will be Michele Bachmann, who will do a science segment every day, and Tiffany Trump, who is rumored to have little to no role at all and will most likely just smile alot.
And that’s okay. This is conservative television, folks. We don’t need to spend an hour reaffirming to our women that they’re good and strong. They know all that. They need to know how to clean our deer. How to properly prepare meals for the whole week if you’re gonna be all independent and get a job. How to make sure the kids don’t feel neglected if I decide not to spend time with them. How to make me a God Damned sandwich.
Screw the View. Damned…feministicals. Whatever, patriot. This show will be way better, and we’ll make sure to tell you all about it.