Fox News has some exciting action coming up, patriots. Their entertainment division has just announced that there will be a friendly competition between Fox’s two biggest stars, Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson, to see who gets to sit in the Sunday morning talk show seat, estimated to be worth $11 million per year.
Hannity, who has seniority at the network, will have his first competition interview this weekend with Mariah Carey. Like Chris Wallace, Hannity will have to prove that he can withstand things that annoy the typical person on a massive scale, and Carey has agreed to do her 80s dance while singing an octave too high for 7 solid minutes.
Carlson will have it a bit more difficult. As an actual journalist, he would be put in the position to expose mistruths and conspiracy theories for what they are. To show he’s up to the task, they’re having him interview a version of himself provided by Saturday Night Live’s Alex Moffat.
“I’m happy to help my good friend Tucker see exactly what actual reporters go through when they have to find the truth where none exists,” said Moffat, “It should be a good learning experience for him.”
Carlson and Hannity are both expected to fail miserably at appearing to be reasonable people for even a few minutes, so the competition will most likely fall back to hot dog eating, knitting mittens, and then knife-throwing to the death.
America’s Last Line of Defense officially endorses Tucker Carlson, because the bow tie can’t be ignored.
God Bless America.