Democrats Begin Virginia Election Audit


The Virginia gubernatorial race yesterday was a down-to-the-wire barn-burning event, which ended with Republican challenger Glenn Youngkin narrowly edging out his Democratic opponent Terry McAuliffe.  However, the reality of the contest may not be just that simple.

This man was arrested during the election for public masturbation. Yes, of course he’s a mormon.

Questions have arisen, led by Democratic Action Please’s spokesperson Sandy Batt about the validity of the race, contending that it was very obviously “rigged from top to bottom” in favor of Youngkin.  The social activist immediately filed a writ of discovery to have the election audited.

Batt took to the microphone this afternoon to describe what she calls : “A massive case of voter fraud and election-thievery” in front of Virginia’s governor’s mansion and Chick-fil-a take-out emporium.

“Well first of all, there’s the matter of fifty thousand ballots all under the name ‘Dee Z. Nuts’, for Youngkin, each of which is filled out with a yellow crayon.  That raises some red flags right there.”

Batt went on to describe other faults, including video of McAuliffe supporters being tickled in the balls while attempting to mark their ballots, as well as hundreds of black and Latino residents being re-routed to local “Build a Bear” outlets for “Election Integration.”

Elenoar Pumpernickle, seen here in her funeral garb, was stuffed by four year olds and hugged to death within moments.

Youngkin, a 54-year old former professional Salsa dancer from Lynchburg had no comment to make about the audit while receiving his daily oiling and flatulence squeezing this morning on the capitol’s historic Blumpkin Rotunda.

Batt announced that she has contracted the firm known as “Cyber Samuris” to perform the forensic audit, a small but plucky organization that formerly worked on cases involving cars ramming into photomat booths and actor Alec Baldwin’s firing range incidents.  The firm is also very well-known in Virginia’s karaoke circuit.

“We will get to the bottom of this rigged election, by hook or by crook,” Batt promised loudly.  “The cheating will stop here and now.  Look for Terry McAuliffe to retain all of his powers when this is finished.  Hail hydra.”

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