Conservative Icon Run Down By Liberal in Broad Daylight

It’s a sad day, patriots. The conservative world has lost one of its own. Stevie Ashbaucher, the greatest troll of all time, credited with having more than 458K texts and 713K Facebook posts and messages deleted, has gone home to be with whore mother, Sharon.

Steve was crossing the street from his apartment in subsidized housing at the Lamplighter in East Podunk, Indiana when a liberal in a black pickup truck failed to see him hobbling across the street to Kroger and ran him down. In that liberal’s defense, there’s a chance Steve could have been mistaken for something that had already been run down. Several times.

Steve’s loss means…very little, but it does leave an opening for a new turd to be trolled relentlessly whenever we feel like it. Steve is survived by nobody who cares, and his neighbors, who hate him, said, “good riddance.”

Services will be held by the dumpster outside the local crematorium. Nobody is expected to attend.

It’s a sad end to an illustrious life, patriots. Steve was perhaps the most successful person of all time, in his own mind, and while he has nothing, will leave nothing, and will be remembered by nobody but people who laugh at him regularly, there will always be a little white cross on the corner of the road he died on, where passersby would fondly try not to make eye contact while he begged for spare change.

Rest in peace, Patriot. We’ll take care of the stripper for you. Promise.


About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 182 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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