Pope Francis Suggests Denying Communion to Death Penalty Supporters

FINALLY!

With political attitudes constantly including themselves into more and more varied aspects of life, the Catholic church has become increasingly more fractured.  It started with a phalanx of bishops considering withholding the Eucharist from churchgoers supporting abortive medical procedures, including and name-checking President Joe Biden, and has now begun to roll downhill.

“Where does it end?”, asked Sandy Batt, head of the Vatican’s Maniacal Morality Department.  “We give child molesters, corporate thieves, and traitorous insurrectionists a pass, but attack women’s rights and LGBTQ members for their beliefs? To keep a bunch of conservative cultists?”

“The Church is Satanic and Evil! Sean?”
“Sorry Tuck, I was just beating off to autopsy photos. What now?”

Pope Francis was against the original idea, and has spent most of his papacy attempting to boost declining membership in the church.  Some feel that his idea to deny communion to those supporting corporal punishment is a lesson in seperation of church and state, and the quagmire that the absence of such a barrier could lead to.

“The church has lost over 30% of its flock over the last decade,” the pope commented to the Weekly Jeebus Queef. “We don’t have the resources to waste or the luxury of pandering to the uneducated Trump cow flops anymore, frankly.  If we want to ban everyone who disobeys what we loosely interpret as scripture, say goodbye to anyone in colored clothing, divorcees, and bingo halls full of blue hairs too.”

Already, opinions have come flooding from right-wing “whatabout”ers, stuffing abortion into the conversation, which happens whenever anything whatsoever is discussed.  Some people just fail remedial biology on a daily basis, apparently.

Abortion is perfectly legal in the United States.  It was the sudden appearance of a pornographic movie star porker cheating on his pregnant wife in the white house that suddenly made thousands of pretend “Christians” start pooping their bloomers after 43 years of that fact.

“AND CRITICAL RACE THEORY! SLAVERY ENDED A BILLION YEARS AGO LIBTARDS!”

Is this the latest in a nauseatingly simple Fox News line of bullshit to besmirch President Joe Biden so they can continue to sell Trump cultists beet pills and walk-in bathtubs?  Or is it…the word of God?

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