It’s time again to celebrate America’s independence day. This year’s festivities are long-awaited and will no doubt emphasize our country’s returned sense of freedom and pride with a celebration of a new President and his epic progress over the Trump plague that has kept so many of us isolated for far too long.
While President Biden himself has other duties already in the works for the Birthday of our nation, including stints at Arlington cemetary, the National mall, and a coupon from Dairy Queen for a free sundae, he has sent America’s own expert physician to headline the traditional New York parade, Dr. Anthony Fauci.
White House Head of Q-anon Humiliation, Sandy Batt, says the President specifically wanted the honor to fall upon Fauci after conservative news outlets and Facebook shitpages full of dimwits have somehow made the virologist into the villain of the story of a viral pandemic.
“Anthony Fauci has done an excellent job of communicating as much information as he had at any time during this Trump-bungled crisis to the public. Even as the disgraced fat orange oranga-president and his drooling cult continue to invent more tiresome conspiracy theories, he remains a patriotic professional who has saved countless lives. Thank God for Anthony Fauci.”
Recent estimates confirm that without Fauci’s mask mandates, the number of Americian fatalities from the plague would have been over one million. Instead of a gold watch or a simple “hey thanks,” congressional Republicans have chosen instead to investigate whether or not the virus’s start resembled either the movie “Outbreak” or “The Stand.” The 90’s version, not the shitty new one with the True Blood guy.
While the investigation does lean into psuedo-science intended to blame Fauci and Chinese evil for the genesis of the pandemic, no one has mentioned what we’re supposed to do about it. Nuke China? Perhaps. The Trump crowd does really love and support wanton murder without consequences.
In the meantime, let’s simply celebrate the fourth the way we always have. Making an effort not to drunkenly burn our dicks off on a grill and shooting bottle rockets out of Bud Light cans at the neighbor’s flower bed.