Dr. Harold Bornstein, President Donald Trump’s long-time personal physician, has died. Bornstein was known for having long hair, loving Trump unconditionally, and saying how healthy our dear leader is. He really is so very healthy.
His will has already been posted online, and it shows that he has left his entire fortune to Trump! What a generous, kind man.
The relevant passage in the will reads:
“I’ve felt incredibly guilty over the years for having taken bribes from Trump and also his father to say things like Trump is ‘unequivocally the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency,’ ‘Trump has bone spurs so he shouldn’t be drafted,’ and ‘Trump is NOT a deranged lunatic.’ So I’m setting this up as kind of rebate. All those bribes he gave me, I’m returning to him, with the requirement that he use the money for mental health care for himself. He’s a nut and he needs help.”
President Trump was reported to have been extremely happy when he was told that he would inherit Bornstein’s fortune, considering that he’s got about $400 million in loans due and his world is imploding around him. However, his mood darkened quickly when he was told that he’d have to spend the money on mental health care for himself.
He picked up his phone to type out a nasty tweet about it, and then he remembered that he’d been banned for life from Twitter for inciting violence. Haha.
So instead of tweeting, he kicked a hole in Melania’s bedroom door (she has already moved out of the White House but he hadn’t noticed) while demanding that she come out and tell him how strong and wonderful and rich and powerful he is.
The word from Trump’s senior advisers is that he’s looking for a way to spend Bornstein’s money on a replica of Air Force One so he can fly around and pretend like he’s still the president. Because he’s not crazy at all.