New England Patriots to Ban Any Fan Not Standing for Anthem for Life

Kraft: if you are not a patriot, we don't need you as a fan

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft and Coach Bill Belichick announced today that they are no longer tolerating fans that choose to disrespect their flag and country.

In a hastily announced news conference, the two football legends said that they have finally had it with fans who don’t appreciate their country. Beginning this season any fan caught kneeling, sitting, or wearing a hat during the national anthem will face a lifetime ban from Gillette Stadium.

Responding to a question from CNN’s Sandy Batt, Robert Kraft said:

“We are called the New England Patriots for a reason. If you are not a patriot, then we don’t need you as a fan.

Go cheer for some other football team, for all I care. Maybe for a team that’s dumb enough to hire Colin Kaepernick, who started all of this crap.”

Kraft went on to say that he will be hiring extra stadium security to monitor the stands and tag any violators so that they can be removed, photographed, fingerprinted and have their DNA sampled:

“We will be deploying state-of-the-art biometric systems to identify violators and prevent them from ever entering our stadium again.

That includes DNA testing, rectal scanners and facials. It will be a veritable Bukakke of measures and counter-measures. Mark my words: there will be no unpatriotic hanky panky in my stadium.”

Any fan who has been banned caught trying to re-enter the stadium will face a litany of charges, including trespassing, disorderly conduct and, if found to be intoxicated, public drunkenness. The penalty in all instances: death by Bunga Bunga.

The announcement should be enough to lift the hearts of TruPotatriots™ around the country.

About Watt A Plonker 20 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.

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