Every patriotic American knows that Hillary Clinton deleted 33,000 emails from her illegal, private email server stashed away in her basement.
Every patriotic American also knows that those 33,000 emails would have led to her arrest and lifelong imprisonment, had they seen the light of day.
And now, to the delight of Hillary haters and Q freaks nationwide, impeached President Donald Trump has announced that he has all 33,000 of those damning emails in his possession.
Right-wing nut jobs, tinfoil-hat-wearing Q whackadoos, and garden variety Hillary haters will be giddy when they learn the content of these long-elusive emails.
Remember, after all, that Hillary Clinton personally took a sledgehammer, a bottle of Clorox bleach, and a blowtorch to her server, all of her burner cell phones, Chelsea’s 4th-grade diary, and Bill’s love letters to Paula Jones. She REALLY didn’t want the contents to be made public.
But before we get to the substance of the emails, let’s answer the question: how did Trump finally get his hands on the Holy Grail of the 2016 election?
And what will he do with them now?
He told his campaign staff that he was having no luck denting Joe Biden’s lead in the polls, so he needed to return to his successes of 2016, in which his obsession with Hillary’s emails cost her the election.
(Well, that. And misogyny. And James Comey’s announcement two weeks before the election. And more misogyny.)
Knowing that he’s got the smarts of a below-average second-grader, Trump’s campaign staff sat down one weekend with a case of boxed Almaden Merlot, a dozen laptops, and some really good weed…and they wrote 33,000 emails.
Yes, patriots, those 33,000 emails are the creation of his campaign staffers, written to mollify their increasingly crazy boss. Campaign manager Sandy Batt refused to confirm or deny that she and her staff had gotten really high and written 33,000 emails to give their boss something shiny to play with
What do the emails say?
Absolutely nothing. It doesn’t matter. Get a freaking life if you’re still obsessed with the damn emails.