BLM Pressures J.C. Penny’s to End ‘White Sales’


It’s another uniquely American tradition that’s suddenly become a source of contention because of the modern sensibilities of snowflakes: The White Sale.  Held in January, it’s an effort to welcome in a new year by retailers of bedding and linens with a festive sale to encourage us to snuggle up for warmth in the winter months, a sentiment as old as time itself.

What’s next? Our delicious Caucasian confections?

Now it’s under attack.  The newest offensive in the War on Caucasians came mid-week as representatives of activist organization Black Lives Matter took their grievances to the doors of the small business most often associated with “white sales”, J.C. Penny’s.   The mounting pressure is no joke, and the already beleaguered company is accumulating more and more leager by the day.

Sandy Batt, head of Penny’s linen distributing partner company Arthur Dent’s Useful Towels, Inc. says the thugular troublemakers have gone way too far.

“The tradition of a ‘white sale’ goes all the way back to 1878, beginning as an incentive to increase shopping traffic during a slow economic time of the year.  It’s given that name because back then, all bedsheets were white.  Of course, back then, all people actually sleeping in beds were white as well, but that has no bearing here.  We need to get a grip here.  Do you have any idea how much crap Penny’s has in warehouses?  It has to go.  Just the sheer amount of pillowcases with scenes from that ‘Sonic the Hedgehog’ movie alone.  God, that was unwatchable.  They should just give those away, really.  Or use them for quilts for death row inmates or something.  White sales are not racist.  They’re as American as whipping posts and fortune cookies.”

Toys-R-Us, seen here, has already given in and begun permanent “black sales”. There might be a couple of Melania Trump Barbies still in there. Be careful. They have crabs.

The retailer has promised to look into the optics of the yearly event, and take whatever steps are necessary before they inevitably declare bankruptcy because of Donald Trump’s mutilated economy.  But at least that economy will maybe, for once, be inclusive.