Recently, Ghislaine Maxwell was found dead in her jail cell inside a secluded secluded prison just off the coast of New Hampshire. Maxwell was found lying face down on the floor.
Next to her laid a pile of half-eaten Ho-Hos, all of which were tested for poison yet came back negative. At this time, it’s impossible to tell whether or not the pastries were tampered with.
Soon after her Ho-Horrific death, ALLOD’s resident journalistical specialist, Sandy Batt, touched base with the guards in Azkaban:
“About a week ago, the cameras went out. There was a woman roaming around in a pantsuit, dragging along a guy behind her who was way too invested in balloons.
After further investigationalism, the guards found that the woman in the pantsuit just needed to use the WiFi, and the balloon guy said something about sexual relations? I said no, I don’t really bat for that team.”
Security camera footage shows the Clintons exiting the facility at around 4:20 p.m., just minutes before Maxwell’s death. Since leaving the facility, Maxwell’s death has been ruled a suicide. The results of the autopsy showed no traces of foul play.
Upon quickly escaping from Azkaban, Batt issued a statement of her own when a bird fell from the sky and she felt particularly inspired:
“We’ve just received word via carrier pigeon that both Bill and Hillary Clinton will be speaking at the funeral. They’ve sent out formal invitations to all of Maxwell and Epstein’s closest friends.
These included the words ‘wasn’t us’ written in real nice handwriting. The funeral will be held in Cedar Rapids, Montana, and there is absolutely nothing sketchy going on.”
At this time, that’s all the information we have regarding Maxwell’s sudden death. We’re sure it was totally an accident, even if the Clintons did ask everyone invited to bring their best Clue game boards.