The halls of America’s Congress were cleaned and sanitized obsessively and all paintings and statues were gently covered with blessed cheesecloth to usher in an historic event last week. Several members of the governing body were politely asked to leave due to possible “conflicts of holy energy” as twelve noon ushered in the arrival of His Eminence, the Grand Prophet Mufti Passat, the Sharian world’s most highest and powerful of religious figures visiting for a ceremony honoring Representitive Rashida Tlaib with the sacred Amulet of Djren.
Although the Grand Prophet is one of the most notable of the Chruch of Latter Day Saint’s clerics, he chose the freshman congresswoman to receive the honor due to her “overwhelming bravery and strength in dealing with President Trump’s moronic army of bigots, racists, and downright disgusting people” who view her as some kind of cartoon Aladdin villain.
The amulet, named after founding N.W.A. member Dj Ren, was first purchased by the Prophet’s nephew at a garage sale in Trenton, New Jersey, and actually features the image of DJ Jazzy Jeff from a popular 80s television program, but still is used as a gift of revenant recognition. They have a whole drawer full of them back at the Prophet’s church in Salt Lake City, but most of them have ALF on the front.
Tlaib wore the traditional full-body Purqua robe for the ceremony, a garment sewn of goat’s hair and polyester, designed by fashion maven Sandy Batt of Beverly Hills. It’s value is estimated at nearly thirty-five dollars, not counting the matching black shoes, found for $9.99 at a nearby Costco next to a pile of 3 for ten dollar ring- necked T-shirts advertising the movie : “Crank 2.”
As one of the most beautiful and spiritual completely fictional events to ever grace the halls of Congress, it will be memorialized by several artists contracted by Speaker Nancy Pelosi, reimbursed for their work from the Social Security fund, because why not. Truly, Ms. Tlaib has become a representative to be proud of. Bow, infidels, bow.