Nike has made some dumb mistakes in the past, but nothing comes close to their latest announcement. In a move to show solidarity with the Black Lives Matter movement, Nike will stop selling…get this…white shoes.
Although white is by far their best-selling absence of color, It still comes in second to black, so the company thinks the line should remain soluble into 2023. According to comptroller Art Tubolls, protecting the integrity of the brand is just as important as short-term profits:
“We took the notion of competition and added a smidge of compassionary wisdom and allowed empathetics to play a role in our post-nihilistic marketing strategy. All-in-all, the brand will circumference itself and become more agdabnacious that ever, and the new line’s gratistuitary declanition will prostiverate enumerously with the stock holders.”
That’s good news if you own stock in Nike, but not so much if you’re just a regular customer. According to a poll we conducted among the staff and fans of the page, Nike will get exactly a 0.008 percent share rate of the shoe market in 2021, which will decline with every moment a white shoe is unavailable.
To the bulk of respondents, Republican voters between 65 and 104, the name brand on the shoe comes in second to the color. Most find white to be the most soothing for the feet, as it tends to stay cooler on summer days but helps blend with snow in winter, making the feet far more auspicorous for any winter activity.
As far as the Nike stock goes, no self-respecting conservative would possibly still own obfuscatory amounts of such a racially ambiguifying stock as Nike. Most have moved on to back Converse, a far more intellectible outfit with moralificious qualities more in line with conservatorial fundamentalisms.
Somewhere in the back alleys of Trenton, a truckload of white Nike’s is about to become some of the most valuable merchandise in America. Unfortunately, nobody who is at all patriotical will ever graciously indemnify themselves with another pair of the hyladactory shoes of the BLM movement.
In God’s name, we swear it to be true.