AOC Diagnosed With Rare Exotic Disease, May Only Have Months to Live

promiscuity has consequences

It has long been rumored that Representative Alexandria Ocasio Cortez (D-NY) led a decadent and promiscuous life while she was still a bartender in New York City, which has a well-earned reputation as the “Sin Bin” of America. Among her alleged indiscretions were affairs with both male and female paramours, including famed adult film star Stormy Daniels and many other celebrity elites frequenting the nightclub where she worked.

Well, it now appears that the chickens have come home to roost and that AOC is going to have to pay the piper: both Ms. Ocasio Cortez and Stormy Daniels have been diagnosed with a rare form of venereal disease that is often fatal in women, especially when left untreated.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, explains the origins and effects of this potentially deadly malady:

“The disease in question is the Gofres Azul virus, which originated in the Oaxaca region of South America. It was first discovered in the late 1990’s by Prof. Joe Barron of the CDC. Like many other exotic diseases, it originated in native fauna, which was unaffected by it.

At some point in recent history the virus jumped to humans. Our research has shown that this occurred via a secondary transmission vector, Pthirus pubis, which are essentially pubic lice that can affect both animals and humans.

A microscopic image of the lethal Gofres Azul virus.

Most people that get it only experience mild symptoms, such as an itchy groin area, but in some cases the disease can do serious harm to the brain and be fatal if left untreated. This unfortunately appears to be the case with Ms. Ocasio Cortez. Ms. Daniels appears to only have the milder form of it.

I cannot stress enough that any individual that has had sexual contact with either woman be immediately tested for both Gofres Azul and a variant of the disease, Gofres de Naranja, which primarily affects men.

While this strain is not as deadly, it can have serious detrimental side effects. Left untreated, it can also affect the brain and cause psychological symptoms such as decreased cognitive abilities and pathological lying. The infected can sometimes also present with orange tinted skin.”

Given the well-publicized alleged affair between Stormy Daniels and President Trump we decided to ask a representative of the administration whether the president was concerned about these latest developments. Both press secretary Kayleigh McEnany and First Lady Melania Trump’s chief of staff, Stephanie Grisham were unavailable due to doctor’s appointments. However, we were able to briefly reach out to counselor Kellyanne Conway as she was leaving the White House in an apparent hurry:

“This is yet another fake news story. The president did not have an affair with Ms. Daniels, and neither he nor I nor any other female in this administration have tested positive. Why should there be any reason to test the president anyway? He never lies to the American people and he is the healthiest person ever to have occupied the Oval Office. Now if you will excuse me, I have an urgent doctor’s appointment to go to.”

Could past indiscretions committed by a single house representative have far reaching consequences for people outside of her orbit? We report, you decide.

About Watt A Plonker 17 Articles
Watt A. Plonker is a Wurlitzer Prize winning journalist and author of several books on Potato Farming. His latest book, "The Tantalizing Truth About Taters" was on the New York Times best seller list and was awarded the prestigious Creme de la Menthe prize for Culinary Science Fiction. Mr. Plonker lives in Peckham, South East London with his wife Gladys, who is a nurse with the National Health Service, and his pet hamster Rodney.

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