New Study Links Wearing Face Mask to Increased Virility and Sex Drive

Women say men in masks are hot.

As if there weren’t already plenty of good reasons to wear a mask or face covering during the COVID-19 pandemic, a new study has provided another. The study, conducted by renowned scientificator Joe Barron, proves that men wearing a mask have a stronger sex drive and perform better in bed than the beta boys who are too scared to look weak to wear one.

Women also see them as more masculine, more attractive, and more likely to be better lovers.

Dr. Barron said: “Our research proves that men who are confident enough in their manhood to wear a mask are seen as ‘hot’ and women want them. So do some men, according to the portion of our research that was conducted in Provincetown and San Francisco. We know ‘hot’ isn’t an actual scientific term, but it came up repeatedly in our study, so we’re using it.”

Dr. Sandy Batt, one of the peer reviewers of this groundbreaking study, said that she wholeheartedly supports the conclusions of Dr. Barron’s work.

“It makes no sense to NOT wear a mask. Wear the mask. The life you save may be your grandma’s. Oh, also: check out Gavin Newsom wearing a mask. That’s the definition of hot.”

Our intrepid reporter Pete Strocker sought out mask-less men in Hog’s Breath, Arkansas, to get a reaction. A local man said, “Huh. Well, I ain’t never had problems with my personal plumbin’, if ya know what I mean, and I always finish up real quick. My wife never complains. She just kinda lies there and makes some ooooh-aaaah sounds while she looks at her phone. I think she likes it, so I ain’t gonna wear no dadgum mask.”

The results of Dr. Barron’s study have found their way into dating websites, where it’s now possible for love-seekers to include “wears a mask to protect people from COVID-19” as a requirement.

One woman seeking a love connection said, “A guy who’s not willing to do this simple thing is bound to be completely selfish in all ways, and I want to meet a guy who takes care of more than just himself if you know what I mean.”

Yes, honey, we know what you mean.

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