Governor Newsom Mandates Masks for Everyone in California — Except Himself

Do as he says, not as he does!

In a desperate move to control his state’s massive population before he is successfully recalled in the November election, California Governor Gavin Newsom has mandated that all Californians wear a mask or other facial covering whenever they leave the house, starting today.

Taking orders from his dearest aunt, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, Governor Newsom issued a statement today saying,

“In order to protect our state’s population from the virus, it is now required to wear a mask anytime you’re outside your home or car. There’s only one exception to this rule: babies under the age of two. We don’t want them to suffocate. And, OK, fine. There’s one other exception: me. Have you seen my face? I’m far too handsome to wear a mask.”

Conceding that the dashing young governor is indeed blackout hot, political reporter Sandy Batt said, “He really is way too good-looking to wear a mask over that face. It would be like putting boxer shorts on Michelangelo’s David, or covering the Mona Lisa’s smile with a bandanna. Just, no.”

While the rest of us struggle to breathe because of a mask that is clearly nothing more than a sign of totalitarian control over the masses*, Governor Newsom will breathe freely and easily, with his chiseled face uncovered and very, very visible.

Republican state assemblyman Joe Barron was quite angry when reached for comment about Newsom’s latest socialist (or would it be communist?) overreach. “This is nothing more than another naked power grab from Newsom and his Aunt Nancy Pelosi, who clearly controls everything he does in California. What’s next? Wearing seatbelts? Getting vaccinations against easily preventable diseases? There’s no end to the madness!”

*Wear your damn mask, people. It’s not that difficult. The life you save may be your grandma’s.

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