President Donald Trump has spent the last three and a half years trying to undo the untold damage done by former President Barack Hussein Obama. Trump has rolled back countless Obama-era laws that advanced women’s rights, LGBT rights, environmental protection, and other pie-in-the-sky nonsense that benefited people who are not straight white men.
Not satisfied with just changing the laws, Trump went on a Twitter tirade, venting his disgust with our former president. “Barack Obama was the first president in my lifetime who did not try to unite the American people—did not even pretend to try. Instead, he tried to divide us,” said Trump, in a tweetstorm written while he was pinching a loaf on a golden toilet.
“We are witnessing the consequences of four years of this deliberate effort. We are witnessing the consequences of four years without mature leadership. We can unite without him, drawing on the strengths inherent in our civil society. This will not be easy, but we owe it to our fellow citizens; to past generations that bled to defend our promise; and to our children,” Trump continued in a series of complete sentences that sound nothing like his normal garbled, childish, faux-victim babbling.
When questioned about his sad little Twitter tirade at an afternoon press conference, Trump read from prepared notes: “We know that we are better than the abuse of executive authority that we witnessed during Obama’s administration. We must reject and hold accountable those in office who would make a mockery of our Constitution. At the same time, we must remember Lincoln’s ‘better angels,’ and listen to them, as we work to unite.”
If you’ve read this far, you’re probably scratching your head, wondering how Trump could have sounded so intelligent. Newsflash: he didn’t. These are the (lightly edited) words of General James Mattis, Trump’s first Secretary of Defense, about none other than the Tweeter-in-Chief himself.
What’s that old saying about rats and sinking ships?