In a surprising development today, General Mattis and thirteen other retired generals and admirals announced their support for ANTIFA, declaring that President Trump must be defeated by any means possible.
While it was previously known that many retired generals – some of whom served in the Trump administration – have recently turned against him, this latest development is truly shocking. To have 14 retired generals who have collectively served the country over 500 years under four presidents support a known terrorist group is nothing short of treason.
Reached at ANTIFA headquarters in Dearborn, Michigan, ANTIFA spokesperson Art Tubolls was ecstatic at the newfound support from such high ranking former officials:
“This validates all of our efforts. We are so proud that of all people, General Mattis and his colleagues are now supporting us. They have even formed a Superpac – Generals for ANTIFA – that will be airing campaign ads all over the country to support our cause. They have also pledged to train our troops to help us fight.”
Former generals offering to train a known terrorist organization left this reporter incredulous, so we asked retired Air Force General Buck Turgidson to verify the claim:
“Yes, it’s true. We’re all committed to this. All of us have specialties that can contribute to the ANTIFA cause. For example, ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis is an expert at interrogating the enemy with wedgies and wet willies, which is sure to bring any Trump supporter to their knees.
We have admirals with expertise in using electronic means to disable enemy vessels, which is just as effective in disabling Rascal scooters used by pro-Trump militia. They’ll never know what hit them the next time they try to buy ammo at the Walmart!
And then there’s our super secret and deadliest weapon: military logic and reasoning. Logic and reason always leave the Trump administration terrified and running for the hills.”
So there you have it. The truth is out there. We’re not sure where, but it’s somewhere out there. At least, that’s what we’ve been told.