President Donald Trump is the most law-abiding president in the history of our great nation, so it should come as no surprise to anyone that he wants to root out all corruption in our Congress.
Part of that involves cutting off donations from corrupt Deep State denizens such as George Soros. So today President Trump announced that he has given the green light for Senator Mitch McConnell (R-Turtle Town) to investigate which members of Congress have accepted donations from Soros, the grand poobah of right-wing conspiracy theories.
McConnell will start his investigation by ignoring all donations from right-wing kleptocrats like the Koch brothers, Robert Mercer, and that guy who hugs pillows on TV. Instead, he will focus his little tantrum on donations from George Soros. Because only those donations — and the impending exposure of them — make red-hatted Trumpists all tingly in their nether regions.
Once the donations have been exposed, the offending member of Congress will be forced to (a) donate the money to Trump’s reelection campaign, (b) write “I will never accept Sorosbucks ™ again” 500 times on the chalkboard in the Congressional breakroom, (c) resign his or her post immediately, and (d) post a YouTube video denouncing George Soros for being the root of all evil in the entire world.
When reached for comment, McConnell’s spokeswoman, Sandy Batt, said,
“Senator McTurtle, excuse me, Senator McConnell is committed to upholding the law while simultaneously tossing chunks of red meat to the Republican base. This latest charade is just a diversion from his quest to pack the federal courts with unqualified, right-wing jacks. He needs to have other kinds of fun sometimes, too. Give the man a break.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is said to be huddled this weekend with all four members of the Squad and the rest of the Democratic caucus, trying to use a lifetime supply of White Out on their federal donation filings to get rid of “Uncle George” and change the donor’s name to “American Patriot.”
Tune in later this week for the mass resignation of the entire Democratic delegation.