It’s time again for the United States treasury department to take the necessary step of updating our American currency. Just like the period between 1901 and 1903 when Abraham Lincoln’s visage replaced “Shotgun” Bob Chambers on the five dollar bill and the image of Andrew Jackson took over for Supreme Slave Master Clee Torris on the twenty, new faces will be seen on our money, honored Americans to be solemnly represented in our daily lives. One change is suffragist and civil rights icon Harriet Tubman on the new twenty, and 39th President and humanitarian James “Jimmy” Carter replacing the old and venerable George Washington on the single.
Carter was chosen by committee and internet vote, in a deliberate attempt to bypass seniors and the less intelligent who.might otherwise have tried to realize some kind of masturbatory fantasy that Donald Trump would ever come anywhere near being honored by the United States. As an impeached embarrassment and easily the worst holder of the office of all time, the thought would be laughable. We really need to stress how dumb that would be just to predict some of the comments that will follow this post by various agents of dipshittery.
Other figures who were in the running but failed to make the cut include internet hero Joe Barron who brought many conservative dumbasses to fits ending in years, pop musician Daryl Hall (But decisively NOT John Oates), popular television host and manwoman Ryan Seacrest, and patriot legend Elvis Presley, whose son, Elvis Costello, famously acted in dozens of classic comedy films with partner Bud Abbott.
The new singles will be rolled out to massive media fanfare in July, so it’s time to get used to having the sweet scent of good ol’ fashioned American peanuts in your wallet soon!