Oregon Congressman Juan Rodriguez was arrested on grand larceny charges in Washington D.C. earlier today after he tried to steal several kegs of beer and a stuffed raccoon from a local liquor store.
Representative Rodriguez’s relationship with alcohol has been well-chronicled, as he has been seen at many bars with Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
According to Rodriguez’s spokesperson Art Tubolls, he was acting under the direction of the Speaker, who was concerned that her alcohol supply was running dangerously low. While this may have been somewhat true, it is known that Congressman Rodriguez is unable to function when he doesn’t have any alcohol in his system.
“It’s the opposite of when people get drunk. Congressman Rodriguez is actually a robot from the Year 3000 and needs alcohol to survive. When he’s sober, it would be like if we were drunk. It can’t happen. Speaker Pelosi took all of the alcohol and it became a matter of life or death…or in the Congressman’s case, 1 or 0.”
In addition to his dependency on alcohol, Congressman Rodriguez is a well-known kleptomaniac, who steals things just for the thrill of it, often holding them in his seemingly limitless chest compartment, no matter the size or weight of the items. He lies, cheats, and steals to get what he wants, which is obviously why he’s a Democrat.
Upon his arrest, Rodriguez, who was manufactured in Tijuana, Mexico, proudly flashed his “Hecho en Mexico” tattoo and shouted for everyone to bite his shiny metal ass.
Typical Democrat. Pure classlessness. A big difference from our President and the Republican Party, who we need now more than ever.