Professional wrestling is viewed by most as “fake.” From its bizarre characters, drama-filled storylines, and predetermined finishes, that’s easy to understand. What’s also easy to understand is the very real side of wrestling: the emotions and convictions. If someone says that they’re gonna whoop your behind with enough passion, it’s believable.
Well, one of the most passionate wrestlers of all time, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, has just dropped a bombshell: he’s converting to Islam.
Stone Cold rose to prominence in the mid-late 1990s during WWE’s “Attitude Era.” His persona was that of a beer-guzzling, mudhole stomping, middle finger waving Texan badass that hated everyone, especially his boss, WWE chairman Vince McMahon. Now, Austin will be trading in his patriotic ways for instead observing Ramadan, abstaining from alcohol, and joining the caliphate to bring down America’s Christian ways.
We recently caught up to Austin, who’s now going under the name Stone Cold Sameer Assad, to ask him why the sudden change of heart:
“For my entire life, I got paid to be the Texan Rattlesnake. I gave Stone Cold Stunners to opponents on every continent. I drank 86 cans of beer per show. I started to realize the errors of my ways when I gave a Stunner to future President Trump. I realized that the white Christian American was my real enemy. I found the teachings of Allah, the one true God, to be very profound. I learned the ways of the Muslim and joined their brotherhood. Nowadays, if I could, I would give a Stone Cold Stunner to Trump every minute of every day. GIMME A ALLAH YEAH, BROTHER!”
Austin’s fellow wrestling cohort could not be reached for comment, although rumor has it that Undertaker has been in constant tears since hearing the news, and chairman McMahon ripped both of his quadriceps again out of sheer shock. All merchandise containing the Stone Cold gimmick has been pulled, which doesn’t concern Assad, as “your American money doesn’t have any effect on me getting my 40 virgins when my number is called, brother.”
We’ll keep you updated on this story, as it remains to be seen how this move will ultimately tarnish the legacy of the former Steve Austin. Rest assured, though, that we still have Hulk Hogan, that overly tan racist that sexualizes his own daughter. Sound familiar?