In a surprising turn of events, Chelsea Clinton has been awarded the position of Chief Financial Officer of American car manufacturer General Motors. While she’s not the first woman executive in the company, she is definitely the most divisive.
The young Clinton holds doctorates in both international relations and public health, making her a qualified yet interesting candidate for the job. While she doesn’t have any concrete business experience, she is familiar with the dealings of her parents stealing money from hard-working patriotic Americans, which incidentally is exactly what General Motors was looking for.
Along with this announcement, GM has decided to add an additional “suicided” option to all vehicles built after 2020. This option allows the driver to get rid of their passengers while making it look like a self-inflicted action.
General Motors spokesperson and former Bud Light spokesdog Spuds MacKenzie issued a statement to the press shortly after Clinton’s job offer was accepted:
“While this might be a polarizing move, it makes complete business sense. During the Waco siege, who did Chelsea’s parents use for their tanks? General Motors. When Chelsea’s mother had 146 people suicided, who did her hired henchmen rise for their getaway vehicles? General Motors. Remember? Move over Pepperidge Farms, because General Motors remembers.”
Local rednecks immediately set fire to their Chevrolet cars and trucks to “own” the company. Subsequently, 10,000 new orders to replacement cats were announced, as the boycott, like all boycotts administered by conservatives, backfired spectacularly. Still your CFO.