As hundreds of millions of Americans await their $1,200 check from the federal government’s stimulus package, President Donald Trump has given red-blooded patriots an option that many will appreciate.
True conservatives have made it known that they were uncomfortable receiving such socialist largesse directly from the government — they are, after all, completely independent, successful bootstrappers who have never received any benefit from the government, ever.
In response to their discomfort with accepting free money from the feds, the Trump campaign announced today that real Americans now have the option to direct their $1,200 socialist check directly to Trump’s reelection campaign.
Yes, patriots, you do not need to participate in socialism. You can send your unnecessary $1,200 directly to Trump, and in exchange, you’ll get 5 percent of all campaign merchandise PLUS free shipping.
If you’re a family of four and you direct all $3,400 of your socialist dollars to Trump’s campaign, you’ll get a photo op with Trump, Pence, or whoever his acting Chief of Staff is by the time the pandemic is over. (You’ll have to pay to fly yourself and your family to the nearest rally and you’ll have to wait in line just like everyone else, because the demand will certainly be huge for this special one-on-one meeting with the president, the vice president, maybe Joe Barron, the deputy assistant undersecretary for special tater meetings, or Barron Trump himself.)
This is what we call a win-win, patriots. Real Americans don’t like the government handing out free stuff to anyone, especially illegals, and this will save those real Americans from violating their bedrock principles of freedom from socialism and being really preachy about it.
At the same time, it will give Trump’s campaign a much-needed boost as the country turns on him and abandons him because they’re finally realizing he’s an incompetent boob.
It’s easy to direct your check to Trump. All you have to do is sign up here.