President Donald J Trump has announced an incredible plan: he is ordering the New York Stock Exchange to open on a Sunday for the first time in history. Not just any Sunday — Easter Sunday. His “Resurrect the Economy” directive demands that right after packing the church pews for Easter services, stock traders will report to work for a once-in-a-lifetime Sunday trading session.
“The stock market is down just a little from a month ago. Just a little. No more than 35%. That’s not much. And in a two-for-one resurrection, Jesus will rise from the dead (I think that’s how the Easter story goes), and our economy will rise from the dead too. It’ll be incredible. The most incredible thing. Someone came up to me this morning and said, ‘Sir, you’re incredible.’ And I said, ‘I know.’ And then I had this incredible idea to force stock traders to go back to work on Easter Sunday. It’ll make everyone want to reelect me in a landslide,” said the amoral carnival barker occupying the White House.
Nobel Prize-winning economist Sandy Batt was appalled by the announcement. “He’s always been stupid, but this degree of stupidity is shocking. It’s way too soon to reopen the economy, and it’s a cheap stunt for him to appeal to his evangelical base.”
Senator and Chief Presidential Prostate Massager Lindsay Graham lauded the decision. He said, “Sure, it’s a cheap stunt, but it’ll make people feel good to see their net worth rise from the dead along with Jesus on Easter Sunday. And if anyone gets sick because they showed up to work on the crowded trading floor of the NYSE, they’ll die a worthwhile death to help our lord and savior Donald Trump get reelected.”
What do you think, patriots? Is resurrecting the stock market on Easter Sunday a good idea?