Everyone knows that Nancy Pelosi is a complete lush and an un-American traitor to all that is good and holy about our sacred country. But for some reason, her wealthy constituents in godless San Francisco keep electing her, every two years, like the brainwashed lemmings that they are.
In an exclusive scoop, ace investigative reporter Sandy Batt reveals that Pelosi’s internal polling shows her LOSING in a landslide to, um, the Republican guy who wastes his time every two years trying to unseat the overwhelmingly popular representative. It may be extremely hard to believe that the person who has won every election since 1987 by huge margins is now losing, but we know how much wanting something to be true can make a ludicrous claim completely believable.
So, let’s continue. Speaker Pelosi won the 2018 election with almost 87% of the vote, but the citizens of her district are fed up with the way she brings shame on their city and they no longer want to be the laughingstock of the country. So they’re changing sides, abandoning the experienced legislator in favor of Joe Barron, the foolhardy Republican who entertains himself by running against Pelosi every two years, just to see his name in the news.
His platform is very short: in contrast to Pelosi, he will not be a traitor and he will not try to destroy the country. He will support everything President Donald Jackfruit Trump endeavors to do. Again, it’s hard to believe that the voters in Pelosi’s district will suddenly fall for such simplistic nonsense, but if you click your heels together and hope really, really hard that this is true, it will be true.
When reached for comment, Pelosi’s campaign manager Art Tubolls said that the leaked information was not true at all, and that the poll was actually a joke written by a satirical website that makes fun of gullible old conservatives.
That wouldn’t make you feel silly, now, would it?