Everyone knows that Bill and Hillary Clinton are the most corrupt people ever born, anywhere in the history of the world. So it will come as no surprise that late last night, they were arrested on charges of insider trading after they used secret information from George Soros that stocks would be tanking soon.
Bear with me as I explain this tangled web of extremely true facts.
It all starts with George Soros. He’s already a bazillionaire and he’s 89 years old, but he’s a greedy bastard so he devised a plan to crash the stock market, cripple the world economy, enrich himself, and corner the market on toilet paper.
In January, Soros called his BFFs Bill and Hillary and told them that he was planning to upend the world economy but that he’d help them get even richer. Long story short, they should sell all their stock holdings in early March, before the Dow would inevitably crash and lose 40 percent of its value.
They pocketed $350 million, cackled a lot, and bought up all the toilet paper in New York.
Think of them when you’re using your socks as TP, folks.
Ace investigative reporter Sandy Batt untangled this stunningly true story and gave all the very real evidence to the Attorney General of New York. A SWAT team descended on the Clintons’ walled upstate fortress, drove right by their unarmed guards (everyone knows Democrats don’t believe in guns for anyone), and dragged them out of their separate beds into a waiting black Suburban.
Their whereabouts are unknown at this time, but we’re told that the government has already seized the $350 million in ill-gotten gains and distributed it to a handful of CEOs whose bonuses were canceled after the stock market crash. Priorities, people. Priorities.