When a beloved institution holds a fundraiser, many times they sell delicious baked goods or hold a charity auction where a crowd of supporters shout bids for a set of kitchen chairs or an inflatable pillow shaped like First Lady Melania Trump. But it looks like America’s favorite fetal formaldehyders got busted with their latest scheme.
During the current pandemic crisis that’s escalating due mostly to the Trump administration failing to act for three months after it was made aware of it’s existence and danger, federal investigators have been keeping a lookout for any companies practicing price-gouging during this time of nervous insecurity. Lake Sandy Batt, Ohio agents were tipped off to a local Planned Parenthood outlet selling rolls of “Crisis Toilet Paper” for 25 dollars each. The “fundraising drive” was immediately shut down and several arrests were made.
Jon Guluv, head of the Department of Consumer Non-Screwage made a statement to the guy on CNN who evidently doesn’t care how big his ears look after 10 p.m.:
“This is price-gouging on a scale we haven’t seen since Sam Goody records was still in business and slapped a ‘$13.99’ label on a Phil Collins CD. You know, first of all, it’s outward heartless money worship, and it’s exactly why Capitalism needs to be reigned in by sensible regulation, so that we remain a Democratic Republic and not an Oligarchy. Second, ‘Take Me Home’ was a hamfisted attempt at describing a patient in an asylum, not simple homesickness. He should have stayed out of Peter Gabriel territory.”
Investigators have halted the single instance they’ve found, and will now begin looking into other outlets to put an end to this terrible act of con-jobbery. Because those are Donald Trump’s bread and butter.