Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (Communist of California) has announced that she will resign from Congress and go to rehab for her well-known problem with alcohol. After her church kicked her out, her fourth husband divorced her, and her nephew Gavin Newsom refused to be seen with her at a fundraiser for homeless socialists in San Francisco, she knew it was time to face her demons.
There’s only one condition for her resignation: that Ilhan Omar replace her as Speaker of the House. “Only Ilhan Omar will carry on my legacy of destroying America and giving free stuff to lazy Democrats,” Speaker Pelosi said in her announcement. “House Democrats have given me their word that they will support the selection of Representative Omar to replace me, clearing the way for me to leave Congress and go to the Democrats-only wing at the Betty Ford clinic. I miss my husbands — all four of them — who left me because of the booze. Also, being in rehab will keep me from being arrested for all the anti-American crimes I’ve committed while in office. I expect my recovery will take until January 20, 2021.”
When reached for comment at the opening ceremony of the 27th new mosque in Dearborn this year, Speaker-to-Be Omar cackled with glee and pledged to continue Pelosi’s destruction of America. She said her first priority would be to appoint the other members of the Squad to a newly formed Congressional committee charged with investigating the finances and private lives of every Republican in the House, which will be a waste of time because Republicans are the only ethical members of Congress.
House Republicans have been grabbing their smelling salts and clutching their pearls all day since the announcement was made. Rep. Sandy Batt (R-Utah) fainted at the news, then woke up and said, “I thought Nancy Pelosi was a horrible Speaker, but Omar will be a disaster! Nancy should just stay drunk, stay in office, and continue stumbling around, getting nothing done. Omar is young and healthy, and she is a menace.”
Pelosi and Omar will appear at a joint news conference tomorrow morning after Nancy sleeps off tonight’s bender.