Whoopi Goldberg, failing morning show host and nemesis of Conservative Values™, sustained bruising and angry-looking scrapes to her face where her eyebrows would be, when she was struck by an illegal on a bicycle today while standing with a group of peculiarly dressed women in Dearborn. Rumors are that she was there canvassing for the Socialist Bernie Sanders.
We are told that the facial injuries will not prevent Goldberg from appearing on ‘The View’ in upcoming weeks, as she heals. This is thanks in part to the typical Hollywood deception techniques, which include the horrid sounding Auto-tune.
According to mortuary makeup artist, Sandy Batt, there are a number of fillers and putty that will smooth out even the most gruesome of divots. With the right lighting and camera angles, she will look as if nothing has happened. Sans eyebrows.
Witnesses say they heard a thud and screams from the women. When they rushed to assist, they found Goldberg face down in the gutter, her leg exposed to reveal a strange tattoo of Patrick Swayze.
The suspect, known locally only as Chauncey, is said to be an illegal resident from Gullah Island. Described as being short and portly with a bulbous head, he was last seen riding away from the collision into Whoopi on a blue and white Huffy bike with the ‘H’ sticker peeled off and ‘FL’ painted in its place.
Long known to be a proponent of open borders, we can’t help but wonder if this incident will have an impact on ‘The View’ hosts liberal views on immigration. It is doubtful that she or her friends are rethinking the issue, no matter how much we wish it were true. She likely thinks you’re a moron for even entertaining this.
If you have any information on the whereabouts of Chauncey or his Fluffy, you are asked to call the Office of Immigration Roundup and ask for Agent Peter Pettigrew at 202-224-2541.