Coronavirus has now reached the upper echelons of California politics. Last weekend, a family reunion of the Pelosi and Newsom clans brought together Nancy Pelosi, communist Speaker of the House of Representatives, and Gavin Newsom, super hot communist governor of California. Because they’re Democrats, they hired illegal immigrants to cater their gathering, and because karma is a bitch, one of those immigrants tested positive yesterday for coronavirus.
Governor Newsom is now in quarantine with his family in Sacramento, while they wait for test results to see if they come down with the dreaded COVID-19. This will give Newsom plenty of time to try new hairstyles, stare at himself in the mirror, and dream about running for president in 2024. The governor’s mansion has been surrounded by armed guards to keep anyone from going in or out, except for the Uber Eats delivery drivers who come three times a day with quinoa salads and oat milk for the governor and his family.
Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi and her family are holed up in the Speaker’s office in Washington, DC, which is where they were gathered when they got the news about the infected caterer. Capitol Police sealed the office with everyone inside, leaving a hole just big enough to slide boxes of Hot Pockets through the mail slot once a day. You’d think that being Speaker of the House would bring you better treatment than that, but this is Trump’s America, and he sets the rules.
Ace sanitation and healthcare reporter Sandy Batt has contacted members of both families as they suffer through their forced isolation. They report that spirits are low, they’re bored, and they’re really mad that they’re so closely related to the other family at all. After all, when your husband’s brother marries someone’s aunt, that creates an indestructible aunt-nephew bond. And when that marriage dissolves in divorce, you’re still related. If you believe the right wing, Pelosi is Newsom’s aunt. If you understand family trees (OOPS, THERE’S THE PROBLEM), then you know they’re not related.