Jesus Christ was unceremoniously booted from the United States of America by Barack Obama on January 20, 2009 and has been banned from our country ever since. It was illegal to say “Merry Christmas.” After his total exoneration from the sham impeachment, President Donald Trump, in a long-overdue move, signed Executive Order 6986, which will expedite American citizenship permanently for Jesus Christ.
“Barack Obama kicked Jesus Christ out of America because of his Muslamic Faith. He tried to bring Shakira Law to America. And failed. Bigly. Well, I’m bringing him back! Everyone knows Jesus loves America more than anywhere else in the universe. There’s no better American than Jesus. Except for me.”
The Executive Order will waive the normal pre-screen time and process and will allow an exception for any potential travel ban. All churches in America will be required to let Jesus crash on their couch after a long day of shooting guns, not healing sick people, and telling children held in detention camps that they should have come here the right way.
All Democrats, Mitt Romney, and the ghost of John McCain have come out unanimously against this wonderful blessing, claiming that the United States was founded on the principle of religious freedom. They released a joint statement: “If they get Jesus, we get Satan. It’s only fair. Wait until a Democrat is elected as President! Muhahahahahaha!”
Once again, those treacherous Democrats are obstructing the will of the people. Everyone knows that the United States of America is a Christian country. With Jesus on our side, we can’t fail!
Mr. Christ could not be located for comment.