BREAKING: Malia Obama Exonerated of All Wrongdoing

A woman has come forward and refuted every single accusation that has ever been tossed at Malia Obama. According to her, Malia has been used as a pawn in a troll’s game and stereotyped to be a criminal. The woman, a social media legend named Sandy Batt, said she won’t rest until Malia’s good name is cleared:

“At first it was kinda funny, but then the stories got darker and more realistic. The satirical intent was lost and Jonathan Swift was always the answer. It didn’t sit right with me, so I decided to do something about it.

“I petitioned the United Writer’s Guild of Satire and demanded that they change their tune. Since they clearly weren’t going to respond to logic or reason, as their audience had obviously rubbed off on them, I gave them something their victims do respond to: Shame.”

According to Art Tubolls at UGOS, Ms. Batt’s determination was extremely effective:

“Sandy got through to the owner of the site who made sure the stories coming out about Malia were so ridiculous that you’d have to be a full-blown potato to believe them.”

Sandy’s testimony was sent to the 16th Circuit Court of Idaho where it was ruled that everything ALLOD has ever written about Malia Obama has been a huge crock of doody. Malia’s name was officially cleared.

While Sandy was never able to stop the Malia stories completely, she had an incredible impact on the direction of that particular publisher. More than she would ever know. As a reminder, he used her name in various forms throughout the next couple of years and never forgot what it felt like to have a woman who he thought admired him tell him what a douche he was.

Thank you, Sandy. You gave me the gift of perspective and reminded me of who I am. I’ll be forever grateful.

 

About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 150 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

2 Comments

  1. NO SURPRISE TO ANY PATRIOT THAT SHE GOT OFF. PROBABLY DADDY’S INFLUENCE AGAIN, SHE WAS ARRESTED FOR DRUGS THAT KILLED A MAN, SHE RUNS A BROTHEL, SHE IS ANTIFA AND IF YOU OR ANY OTHER GOD FEARING AMERICAN DID EVEN A ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU WOULD DO HARD TIME. THERE IS A WHIFF OF SULFUR ABOUT THAT FAMILY, EVEN THOUGH SHE IS TRYING TO ESCAPE. ALTHOUGH I THINK SHE MAYBE LIED.

  2. I SAY MY OPINION AND FACEBOOK BANS IT !!!! THEY WILL DO ANY THING TO PROTECT THIS OBAMA GIRL. SHE IS EVIL FOR HER AGE, KILLING PEOPLE WITH DRUGS, RUNNING A BROTHEL AND THE NERVE TO GET OFF SCOTT FREE. SHE THINKS SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS, WELL MISSY I AM HERE TO TELL YOU SURELY THAT THAT SMILE WILL BE WIPED OFF OF YOUR FACE WHEN PRES. TRUMP STEPS IN AND JAILS YOU !!!! AND YOUR DADDY, NO TRIAL NEEDED.

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