The head of the Church of Satyan announced today that a ritual will be performed by its thousands of members nationwide to raise the dead from their graves in order to fight and defeat President Trump and his supporters. It will, of course, take place on Halloween, a sacred day with Satyanists for, they say, its “power to transform.”
The church has what they refer to as a “Dark Pope” to lead them in the performance. Her name is the same as all those in the same position before her – simply “Satya.” In essence, she IS the church, able to command and shape the faith at will. Her worshippers refer to her as “The Goddess,” impartial observers call her a con artist.
In any case, the planned activity is of her design. She gave a brief explanation:
“Trump is the embodiment of all we abhor. Evil in orange skin. His hypnotic power over his minions is foretold in the ancient texts that I scribed. As the prophecy goes, he will continue to commit much evil and, as the appointed guardians of the earth, we must stop this. An unbeatable force of fighting corpses is the way. Plus I thought the ritual would be fun.”
Bob Sandhu is one of her worshippers. We asked him why he was so devoted to this “Dark Pope” and was so willing to do her bidding. His answer was brief but very telling:
“She’s really f**king hot.”
Will the spell work? Will a zombie apocalypse begin this week? I guess we’ll soon find out.