President Trump has revealed to his closest sources that he is currently in negotiations with Norway for the purchase of Greenland, the icy island off their east coast. Greenland is said to have 10 percent of the world’s freshwater reserves, which the Trump administration says we could really use.
According to the White House Director of Information and Propaganda, Art Tubolls, Greenland could even make some liberals happy:
“We have a substantial commitment from Nestle, who says they’ll remove the ice bit by bit so it won’t melt or break off into the ocean. That’s what they’re afraid of, right? They…didn’t see that coming.
Norway’s government is very smart. They do really good things. Smart things. And when our country shows them hey. This is a smart thing. They’re gonna take a look at that and say hey. It may be that this smart thing is just what the doctor ordered, and before long, Nestle has ice from the dawn of time with cells from the Garden of Eden and we cure cancer.
Those are the kinds of advancements this White House is talking about. The Norse Dutch are listening. That island would be better if it were actually a bit more green.”
So far the libs have nothing to say, because to hand all that water to Nestle means they wouldn’t need to take all those gallons from forests across America, trucking them to obsolete springs in states like Maine that are now nothing more than bottling plants with parking lots full of tankers. They should love that.
Norway’s Parliament is looking into the math, but sources tell us they would receive $4 trillion and a 10 percent ownership of the ice cap, which they say they would need to “keep the oceanic conveyor from failing,” whatever that means. The White House says they fully expect Mexico and their three shitehole neighbors to pay for it. No, not really. They haven’t released a plan yet, but that’s funny anyway.
Thank you, President Trump. Yet another win for the people.