Guard Watching Epstein Has Mysteriously Vanished

The Federal Bureau of Prisons is refusing to divulge the whereabouts of Arturus Tubolls, the prison guard who was supposed to be checking in on Jeffrey Epstein the night he allegedly killed himself. “Art,” as his friends call him, hasn’t been seen at work or at home since the incident, prompting some to be concerned for his well-being.

The Department of Prisons says that Tubolls was supposed to have the weekend off and that there’s a good chance he’s just out tying one on, but our own interior investigation has uncovered some interesting facts:

Art Tubolls has at one time or another:

  • Liked a post by Hillary Clinton
  • Called President Trump a ‘little dicked Lord Cheeto’
  • Shared stories from liberal troll sites that satirize and humiliate conservatives
  • Had a tinder profile under the name ‘PotugeseBF8748’
  • Admitted to approving of socialized medicine
  • Defended the Musselman Brotherhood as a “peaceful organization’

The facts are, therefore, incontrovertible. This guard is either directly responsible or allowed it to happen and has either been set up with a lifetime of free breakfasts in Portugal or has managed to put two bullets in the back of his own head.

The simple fact that nobody seems to be looking for this guy makes it even more unbelievable. Hopefully, President Trump will launch his own investigation using his stuff from the NSA and Space Force rather than allowing the FBI to botch yet another investigation.

We’ll let you know if Tubolls is found alive.

About Flagg Eagleton 91 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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