Michelle Obama Files For Divorce

Michelle Obama has filed for divorce in her hometown of Chicago, citing “irreconcilable differences” as her reason. The real reason, according to our sources, is much easier to understand — given what we know.

The source, a Hindi woman who worked for the Obamas in the White House but never met them personally, says she knows what’s going on:

“Michelle registered on Tinder as Mike Robbins and met a beautiful woman. They’ve been secretly seeing each other for months. She loves Barry, but he’s just so gay.”

Even though none of the rumors have been substantiated, we were able to log onto Tinder and find matches for both Mike Robbins and the woman he’s dating.

This woman won’t confirm or deny if she’ll remember anything in the next movie.

Michelle is said to have filed in Chicago and not their legal home of Washington because “Barack has too many friends there.” She’s also entitled to half of everything in Illinois, so she’ll walk away from the marriage with nearly $400 million in taxpayer funds.

Sources close to Barack Obama say he seems relieved that he can now go out and openly pursue Corey Booker and his infectious smile. “Barack won’t fight this. He wants to be free.”

Now that Sasha and Malia have left the nest, it would seem the parents are ready to move on as well. We can only hope they’ll all come together when Malia needs rehab again. Rumor has it she was spotted again last week taking the pot. That’s what happens when you come from a broken home.

About Flagg Eagleton 95 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.

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