Clinton Ventilated By Police Officer During Traffic Stop


Hillary Clinton has been a lot of things.   First Lady.  Senator.  Secretary of State.  Presidential candidate.  Sailor Moon cosplayer.   But after a routine traffic stop in Mormon’s Love, Utah yesterday, we can add another thing to that list.  That thing is dead.

Also dead: every nerve ending in Kevin Spacey’s ass.

According to a report by officer Jebediah Chambers, Clinton was driving a red 1972 Corvette Stingray down the interstate, weaving wildly, and approaching speeds up to 120 m.p.h.  The 15-year force veteran initiated a traffic stop and walked to the driver’s side window.

“I approached the vehicle and recognized the suspect as Mrs. Clinton.  Her face was flushed, and I immediately smelled alcohol and marijuana.  When I requested her license and registration, she became agitated and incoherent.  I then requested that she exit the vehicle with her hands raised.  The subject began gesticulating wildly and reached between the seats.  I drew my firearm and told her to freeze.  She quickly grasped a solid object that I couldn’t make out.  Fearing for my safety, I fired eight shots and struck the suspect in the head, shoulder, chest, torso, private parts, second toe, anal cavity, kneecap, and duodendrum.  I then reported the incident, called for backup and medical assistance.  Later, i saw the object she had reached for was a Jack Daniels bottle.”

A hairless kitten, known as a “McConnell Mouser” was completely unharmed in the passenger seat.

Utah police heard the testimony and reviewed body cam footage, determining the shooting to be justified.  The officer was not punished in any way and will be receiving a medal from the mayor later in the week.

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