Trump Diverts Military and Intelligence Assets to Twitter

President Trump has announced that he will divert whatever military and intelligence assets are needed to get to the bottom of the biggest scandal our country is currently facing. According to Sarah Huckleberry Sanders, it’s an all-out war in cyberspace:

“The President refuses to accept twitter’s explanation that 11 million of his followers were either bots or alt accounts. He asserts that his Twitter is the most followed and most loved in the world, and to suggest that 11 million people just suddenly don’t exist is preposterous.”

The drop in followers brought Trump’s world ranking on Twitter to 13, which is just above Selena Gomez but beneath Kim Kardashian and Arianna Grande. “Those 11 million people would ensure his spot on the list was at least higher than the donut licker and the girl famous for nothing at all,” said Sanders, “It’s not fair that our President isn’t rubbing elbows with Ellen Degeneres in the 77 million range.”

Twitter responded the same way they typically do in this situation, with some technical jargon nobody wants to hear. Company spokesman, Art Tubolls, lays out their preposterous reasoning for silencing the voice of America:

“We’re a little confused, actually. The accounts that were deleted weren’t people. They were bots. They were mostly selling T-shirts. Some were bona-fide Russian operatives we exposed. Others were spoof accounts of people already following, and most were there to troll the guy. So….yeah. We can’t ‘reinstate’ people who don’t exist.”

See? Technical difficulties — please stand by. They “can’t reinstate” the accounts. They aren’t even willing to look into it or explain why. Not a word. Just, “sorry, you lose.”

This right here is why liberals have such a hard time accepting reality. They just don’t seem to understand how little of it you actually need to be a Trump supporter. It’s why we love him.

The Pentagon says they’ll spearhead the operation for the President and get to the bottom of it immediately. The Navy dispatched 11 carrier groups and the Marine are on standby. All passes from Langley have been revoked as the CIA will also get into the game, aided by a new charter to operate domestically — signed by President Trump. “We told you,” said Sanders, “he’s serious.

Hopefully, this will be sorted out soon so the President can back to doing his job.

About Flagg Eagleton 91 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.