Mrs. Salinksy-Krabappel, Sarah H-S’s second grade teacher, was interviewed today on a landline phone, stated,
“Sarah never ever lied in class. In fact, she wrote a book report about Pippi Longstocking. She even told her friend, Maya Normisbut, that she had read all 450 pages of the book, even though the classic tale is only 160 pages. I gave her a gold star that day, because of her literary prowess, creativity and chutzpah.”
Her father, Mikie, was so proud, that he took Sarah to Republican Jesus camp. Every morning, the children prayed for all of the heathens who would have to read Reader’s Digest’s versions of books. As an example, this leaflet, Famous Jewish Sports Legends., required prerequisite reading, due to the Old Testament allusions.
The Stand is their next assignment, but even though there’s a Heaven vs. Hell theme, they will ignore that completely and write about Adam and Steve. At 11:15 am, before weaving crosses and singing Gregorian Chants, their hypocritical lessons continue with Cherry-Picking 101, which Sarah mastered within about three minutes.
These skills obviously translated into the crackshot deflector and the Hunchback of Notre Dame she embodies today.
SHS, trying to read something to herself about a skydaddy and being frightened by some ravenous-looking wombats
Yesterday, veteran cub reporter Patricia Blake interviewed SHS for three hours and fifteen minutes, in which she uttered monosyllabic grunts, so technically, her prevarication did not exceed the normal levels of lies/square inch. Sycophantic ghoul Kellyanne Conway had that she was just stating alternative alternative alternative facts. “We are anathema to facts; it is what we do best,” she beamed. Kellyanne’s husband couldn’t be reached because he was ostensibly beating his head against a toaster.