Hillary Clinton Dead – Bill May Be Charged with Manslaughter

The doctors, nurses, administrators and even a few patients lined the halls of Westchester memorial Hospital this evening as former Senator, First Lady, Secretary of State, and treasonous murderer — Hillary Clinton — was rolled past to the morgue.

Clinton died when the 9-inch chefs knife Bill had jabbed in her shoulder chipped a piece of her collarbone. It lodged in her heart, resulting in pancreatic failure of the 4th thoracic capitulary.

Her surgeon said it’s definitely not a shock that the injury was far worse than the couple let on as they happily strolled into the ER:

The removal was easy enough, but complications removing the blouse from the rest of the pantsuit cost way too much time, and then in an instant — it was over. Dr. Tubolls explains:

“The thing was attached with several layers of velcro, which would have been extremely uncomfortable. Luckily, her blood alcohol content ran around .23, so she probably had no idea she was being so badly chaffed, though showering would have been like standing in a room full of fire.”

Nobody really understands how Clinton survived past her 2nd heart transplant anyway, so this wasn’t a real shocker. Dr. Tubolls said the last doctor secretly used the heart of a pig, thinking Clinton had converted to Islam. He was sure that would keep her out of paradise. Come to find out, pig’s hearts work great. So…there’s that.

Clinton is expected to make a full recovery and die again next Saturday. We’ll keep you updated.

 

About Flagg Eagleton 62 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.