Bill Clinton Says he Stabbed Hillary ‘In Self Defense’

The scene was bizarre this morning in Westchester New York, as Bill and Hillary Clinton casually walked into the emergency room — for treatment of a serious stab wound. According to our source at Westchester Hillary Watch, Hillary had a rather large chef’s knife protruding from her upper torso, close to the area of the collarbone.

There didn’t seem to be much blood, and the couple was smiling and waving for the camera, but doctors were very concerned nonetheless. Chief Thoracic Surgeon and Captain of the Hospital Bowling Squad, Art Tubolls, told Chappaqua Clinton Watch:

“Hillary is an older woman who drinks and eats a lot of spicy foods. If that collarbone chips, she may not even realize she’s having a heart attack. I’m recommending that we remove her pancreas immediately.”

The family is being quiet, but Sgt. Stuart Boll from the Chappaqua Police told us the neighbors filed a complaint when they heard Bill Clinton shout “I will f*cking stab you, you miserable asshole” right before a loud noise, some screaming, and then side 2 of Led Zeppelin 4.

For now, no charges have been filed, as the Clintons say it was just “adult play that got out of hand” and that Bill Clinton was technically defending himself when he plunged a 9-inch chef’s knife into her shoulder.

We’ll keep you updated on this developing story. Hillary should be fine, but it is Saturday, so…

 

About Flagg Eagleton 62 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.