Nancy Pelosi Spending the Weekend in a Cell After Getting Way Too Drunk and Punching the Wrong Guy

Nancy Pelosi is at it again. This time she went to a fundraiser for Wheelchairs for Greyhounds and before you know it, she’s got a double scotch and she’s mounting Shamrock Shake like she’s gonna ride him around the room.

That poor dog won at Belmont, Nancy. Have some respect.

After she was talked down from riding the disabled dogs around like toys, Pelosi decided to have a grasshopper and a shot of Cuervo 1800. In that order. The vomit landed on Judge Herman Cain, who was appointed less than a month ago, and when he tried to help her, she punched him square in the nose.

Cain was nice and had her hauled off for contempt, which is basically a judge’s free “put folks in jail” card. Oh…yeah, well screw you…contempt of court. It may not seem right but it’s legal under article 17 section K.

Pelosi will spend the entire weekend in the pokey if she doesn’t swear to Judge Cain that she will never drink in public again and that she’ll call her AA sponsor, Mitch McConnell, to come pick her up.

McConnell’s camp says the Senator is a bit tired of Nancy’s latest drunken bender and they’re hoping she gets under control soon. According to Deputy Senator, Art Tubolls:

“We’re at a bit of a tumultuous time politically, and to have the two heads of Congress unable to coordinate anything other than a cup of coffee and a cookie at an AA meeting, we’re in real trouble. Senator McConnell hasn’t had a drink in 40 years. Well…except for his anniversaries. And birthdays. And holidays. And every other Friday, but this was a guy who drank every day once. He’s never drunk before noon like Nancy.

Honestly, that woman just needs to get a grip. Christ, even a bucket of crap has a handle on it.”

Tubolls is right. Pelosi is out of control, and unfortunately — free hotdogs and Tang for a weekend of Dr. Phil through the cell block bars probably sounds pretty relaxing for her right now.

About Flagg Eagleton 91 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.