Nancy Pelosi Too Drunk to Sign Her Name at 8 AM

Nancy Pelosi showed up to the ceremonial signing of a bill this morning so drunk she couldn’t even properly sign her name. Ceremonies often call for using multiple pens, which was far too confusing for the intoxicated Speaker of the House.

Under her breath, those close enough could hear what she was saying:

“Orange shitgibbon gonna veto anyway…motherf*cker. Left my goddamned mimosa for this?”

The Dems around her were chuckling, knowing she wouldn’t be heard loud enough to make it on camera, but the Republicans in the room were appalled:

“We are required to sit through these things and when the Speaker of the House┬ádemands more mimosas, it makes it seem cheap somehow.

The bill was a bipartisan effort that will approve $40 million for advanced attacks on the Mediterranean Bull Weevil, which has been wreaking havoc on soy and wheat crops. Pelosi thinks the President will veto the bill because Democrats wrote it, meaning even with bipartisan support, it’s stupid.

Trump weighed in, saying he didn’t think the problem was so severe and the evidence he saw suggested that the entire issue came down to the lesser of two weevils. He wouldn’t elaborate, but Somewhere, Russell Crowe rolled his eyes.

About Flagg Eagleton 62 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.