Hillary Clinton Shot By Bill’s Ex-Lover in Broad Daylight

Bill Clinton’s past caught up to Hillary today — literally — while she was in New Mexico campaigning for Joe Biden and Beto O’Rourke. Sandra Day Batte, a woman known for sending the Clintons letters through the years, made it through security in Sioux Falls and put a bullet in Clinton from nearly point-blank range.

After the shooting, Batte was shouting “you don’t ever use my name and I’m tired of it!” The Clintons have never publicly uttered the name “Batte.”

Batte told police she was Clinton’s secret lover in the Arkansas Governor’s Mansion from 1980 until he left in 1994. She has photos, letters, and the DNA test from an aborted zygote she carries in a locket around her neck that she says proves her stories true.

Clinton was rushed to Wilekenmeyer General in neighboring Arizona, where the surgeons are less likely to be undocumented. A spokesman for the hospital told a source who may or may not be real:

“The bullet entered her skull just above her left ear and we can’t take it out. She’s in a medical-induced Dunning Kruger Coma, so she can see and look around, but she’s far too ignorant of her surroundings to answer any questions.”

Asked if she would make it, Chief Neurosurgeon, Art Tubolls, told a source it’s very unlikely:

“Even if she does make it, she’ll never be the same. It looks as though the built has cut her ability to be what they call a ‘nasty woman.’ She woke up from surgery smiling and offered to buy us all mini-muffins.”

Bill and Chelsea say they’re going to enjoy this Hillary for a while but that the nation should start mourning the great woman we lost.

How about we mourn for all those lost emails, Willie? Or the guys she killed in Benghazi. Or Vince Foster. You mourn your fake news and we’ll mourn ours.

 

 

About Flagg Eagleton 98 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.