Dearborn No Longer The Muslamic Capital of the US

For years, the residents of Dearborn, Michigan watched as their little town on the Canadian border was turned into a welcome station for Muslamics from across the globe. What few people know is that nearly 2000 miles away is another Canadian border town, only this one is different.

The town al Assara al Assaha, formerly Clements, Maine, is nearly 100 percent Muslamic. Nestled between Cape Elizabeth, a town well-known for having the best high school football team in the country, and Falmouth, whose team needs some work on defense, Clements used to be known for its one and only store that sold giant donuts and homemade bacon.

Sadly, that same store now only sells falafel, shawarma, and lamb gyros.

With a population nearing 11,000, the building department has approved one-room studio home living as you’ve probably seen in movies stereotyping Muslims. Rumors in Falmouth say that the “dirty Muslamics” are planning to turn Clements into the next Mecca, where terroristas from around the world will come and face east to pray.

The people of Cape Elizabeth, however, feel like the issue is a bit blown out of proportion.Mayor Art Tubolls told us:

“The thing is, there’s like…nothing to actually complain about. We sent some people over there to see what the deal was and they came back smiling and happy with exotic foods we’d never seen before and stuff and nobody was killed for being Christian.

“At first we didn’t understand but then it became kinda clear. A lot of old, caucasian people are really, really afraid they might end up in a hospital room next to someone they don’t understand or that a person who worships differently than they do might get something they don’t feel they deserve. Like a job. Happiness. Freedom from bigotry.

Yeah, so we decided to go ahead and add their baseball team to our extramural schedule.”

The mayor of Falmouth wasn’t available, but his spokesman, Bluto Larst, had lots to say:

“I don’t know where those Cape Elizabeth people were on 9/11. We were all standing right here. Which, in hindsight, was pretty pointless, but still.”

The bottom line is that the country isn’t ready for communities full of religious people who gather together in their big buildings of mind control to pray. We want Christian neighborhoods with real churches and Gods that are proven to exist.

About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 153 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.