An independent investigation into the allegations against Robert Kraft shows that he was never anywhere near this supposed Happy Ending Day Spa in Neptune, Florida. In fact, the police officers who orchestrated the arrest, LeShawn Jaleel and Malik Nawanda, are both well-known within their departments to be sub-par cops with a “social agenda to fulfill.”
According to our source on the scene, Kraft wasn’t even on the state when they charged him. He was registered at a hotel in Thailand under the name Joe Dirty Sanchez. In reality, that was even more liberal hijinks to make it look like Mr. Kraft had also purchased a 10-year-old Himalayan Whistle Kid named M’nuk-Nuk.
The video is said to be so grainy and out of focus that the man they say is Kraft is actually a much younger man named Art Tubolls, who frequents these kinds of places in between dissertations on theoretical physics. He also makes a great omelet and had his name read more than 14 times on Romper Room.
President Trump is said to be in constant contact with his old friend, reassuring him that as an old white American billionaire, he’s entitled to privacy and to have his Hammy stroked by whomever he chooses whenever he chooses.