Hillary Clinton in Critical Condition After Attempted Assassination Attempt

Hillary Clinton is in critical condition tonight at Walter Reed Memorial Hospital after being involved in what the FBI is calling a “failed assassination attempt.

According to witnesses at the scene, a normal night out at the theater turned into a war zone when multiple shots rang out from all across the venue. Orchestra Conductor Larst Bluto told us in broken English:

“It unbelievable. Very, very stupid. Big man try keel this guy over her and then he fail and then he go here and shoot at Heelary. No idea why.”

Sources inside the National Security Agency working for minimum wage with no experience told Fox News that Hillary wasn’t the target of the assassination — but the person who ordered it:

“In a remarkable twist of fate, Hillary Clinton decided to be present when her mark was killed. Over 300 bodies and 30 years they’ve never tied a body to her and now she shows up to watch it happen. The thing is…nobody knew she was there. Her official schedule has her inspecting the new Clinton Foundation fleet of ships ready to set sail from Manchester.”

Apparently, the subject of the attack may have been Monica Lewinsky. When Clinton’s thug was close enough, Lewinsky’s bodyguards stepped into action from three sides, eliminated the threat and then tracked the source by tracing the wire he was wearing to Clinton’s cell phone. Within seconds, they fired 12 rounds into seat 14B, killing the occupant and giving them a 37% chance of killing Clinton as well. they failed, but she may not survive the night.

Hopefully, they can pull the bullet from her skull and keep her alive long enough to execute her for high treason.

President Trump hasn’t released a statement and the Clintons are refusing to admit that she’s in the hospital, insisting that she’s still in France.

About Flagg Eagleton 136 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.