Chicago Judge Dismisses All Charges Against Empire Liar Jussie Smollett

Judge Bustata¬†Tirollinadero of Chicago’s 34th District Criminal Court of Writs and Appeals has ruled in favor of a motion to dismiss all charges against Jussie Smolett. Smollet, who has been accused of staging his own horrific¬†encounter with homophobes, reportedly won the judge over with a personal story.

District Court Clerk, Art Tubolls, released this statement to the press:

“Mr Smollet convinced this particular judge that his hardships in life were more than enough punishment for what amopunted to a publicity stunt. Nobody was hurt and Mr. Smolett has offered to reimburse the city.”

The studio has applauded Smollet’s little stunt, calling it “method acting in it’s finest form.” As far as they’re concerned, the only people who should be investigated are those with no sense of humor:

“So, a gay black man walks around for 42 minutes with a noose around his neck while talking to police, the assault happens on-camera in what looked to us like a choreographed dance number, and the response from law enforcement was to take it seriously? Had they done the right thing and shrugged it off, we could have proven they don’t care and had a good laugh. now it’s a whole scandal. Whatever.”

The unknown comment came from somewhere inside the LA City Limits. We’ll keep you updated as the appeal makes its way through the courts. He committed the crime, and this is America They can just keep charging him until they finally get one to stick.

About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 153 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.